Thank you President Trump!
By Terri Chu
Canada has been suffering from little brother syndrome for about 150 years now since we decided we wanted to form our own dominion.
The thing is, with you big boys playing so close to us, it was really hard to let go of mommy’s hand. We didn’t actually do that until Pierre Elliott Trudeau said in 1982, “forget this asking Mommy nonsense, we’re crossing the street on our own.” It took a while, we know, but it’s been a difficult growing up process. You have overshadowed us since you turned your back on Mom.
Rather than groveling back, like we were sure you would, you struck out on your own. You got the better land, the warmer weather; your growth outpaced ours - you can understand why we clung to Mom for so long.
We are just writing a sisterly letter to say “Thank you”. Having lived in your shadow for so long, it’s really sweet of you to give the rest of us a chance to shine.
The sudden, racist ban on people from certain countries has created chaos (mostly for “the elites”… like those in schools, and tech). We can’t thank you enough. Do you know how many extremely smart, qualified people you are basically giving us access to? Suddenly, even a third rate school in Canada can attract faculty with pedigrees previously reserved for Stanford and MIT. University administrators are already gleefully chanting “we don’t suck, we don’t suck”.
As the biggest English speaking nations left, not affected by dementia, we think this is our time! Every academic who took the time to learn English to advance their careers are stuck either coming here, New Zealand, or Ireland … and we all know we can beat both of the last two at hockey.
Mommy the U.K. isn’t really well lately, cousin Australia, well, you know … really it’s just us… your little sibling! I mean, does South Africa really count?
We don’t exactly have the population to do everything ourselves. So we depend on other smart people from around the world to help us out. Without other people, our academic institutions would be nearly empty. Sadly for us, you kept scooping the really smart ones away. You, your ivy league schools, and your much higher pay scales.
Except for North Korea, who has the happiest, most educated, most free and best-fed people in the world (according to its state news agency), most isolationists tend to take a hit. We know this, we learned it from you!
In Canada, the engineer who came up with insulated foundations for building in permafrost (Eli Robinsky) was a man who was born in Syria, grew up in Lebanon, educated in the U.S. and finally found an academic position here. No Canadian who grew up playing in snowbanks thought of it. Every time an “old stock” Canadian saw a sheet of ice, they wanted to throw stupid rocks down in. It took some dude who grew up in a really hot place, who really didn’t care for curling or polar bear dips, to sit there in the cold and figure this stuff out!
We can hardly contain our excitement! You’re giving these really smart people the boot.
We’re ready to take full advantage of this glut of talent looking for new homes (literally). It won’t help push our housing prices down, but could drastically transform our tech sector, academia, and healthcare.
These are absolutely exciting times for Canada. Thank you Big Brother America. We couldn’t do this without you.